Sunday, August 2, 2015

Everything happens for a reason

This post has been floating around in my head for a while now and I just haven't been able to bring myself to write it or really comprehend it all. Over the last few months the phrase "Everything happens for a reason" has been reappearing in my life almost daily. And its not just little things or recent things I truly mean EVERYTHING! On May 14th my entire world was thrown into a tail spin when my father had a massive stroke. We were very fortunate that it did not take his life and for that I am grateful everyday but it has completely changed our lives. Instead of living my pretty relaxed stay at home mom life where I can focus on keeping my house, playing with my daughter, going to play dates and all that fun stuff that we so enjoyed, now I care for my father during the day so my mom can work as much as possible. Which means instead of an 8:30 wake up from my darling daughter I am dragging her out of bed into the car no later than 7am and some days as early as 6am. It means helping to take care of two households, doing most of the shopping for two households and cooking most meals for two households. Its a whole different world for us now but we have made the necessary adjustments and are now pretty comfortable with our new routine. But as I sit and think about how different my life is just in the last 2 months I look back at 10 years ago or 5 years ago and I can see the things that happened to prepare me for this exact moment in my journey of life. When I graduated high school I had all kinds of plans for my life... I didn't think i'd get married, I had no desire to be a mother...  I had plans to go to college and get a degree with something to do in the medical field and have a wonderful career, that was the path I saw in front of me and I was happy with it. Then just a few months into my freshmen year I realized that i wasn't so sure about the degree i was going after and I had this overwhelming desire to become a teacher. So I changed my major and onto the next path I went... well then I got a job working in child care and went about my college path but things didn't pan out quite as I hoped and getting my teaching degree didn't happen but I had a new plan... I had a job I really enjoyed working at a good child care center and i was engaged to the man I loved and while it wasnt the plan I had dreamed of it was everything I could have asked for. Fast forward a year after we got married and baby fever began and another year after that we were pregnant and preparing for our beautiful daughter to be born. And I knew because of all my time in child care that I wanted to stay at home. I didn't want to go to work everyday to take care of other peoples babies while i paid someone to take care of mine. So I took the plunge and became a stay at home mom in September of 2012, fast forward to now... And I am so thankful that I am a stay at home mom because not only does it allow me to do all the things I want to do with my daughter and to teach her and love her all day everyday but it also allows me to now care for my dad. If I had that original career path that I had hoped for as a senior in highschool there is no way I could care for my dad the way I am now. And it would be a major stressor for my whole family because without me my mom would have to shoulder the entire burden. I have absolutely no doubt that God has been preparing me for this journey over the last 10 years or perhaps even longer. There are things I have learned from the jobs that I have had, the people i've known, being a mother, having medical professional as my in laws and so many more that I have used more in the last 2 months then I have ever before. Things that have made this transition easier and has allowed me to help my parents weed through all the nonsense that comes along with a major medical crisis and little to no insurance. I have been stretched far beyond anything I ever thought I could handle in these last two months and I know the only reason i have been able to do it is because of the preparations God has been doing in me my whole life. Another thing that has me remembering that all things happen for a reason is the adopting of my dads new kitty this last week. Now this may seem silly to most but for us pets are family so they are very special to us. Well my parents had a dog who was my dads buddy the whole time he was in the hospital and in rehab he couldn't wait to get home so he could have his buddy with him again. And when he did get home that dog helped his spirits so much... and then a couple weeks after getting to their temporary home (my aunts house) a terrible accident happened and my parents beloved dog drowned. It was devasting... On top of everything else we were dealing with that just made us feel broken and honestly it made me very angry at God. I just couldn't understand why he kept letting these bad things happen to us. I still really dont understand it but I know that he has a reason and that he isn't doing anything to hurt us. So we mourned the loss of our precious pet and dad of course began making plans to adopt a new dog once they were able to move back to their home. But he still missed his buddy everyday. he looked at her picture each day and wished she was there to snuggle like she always had. And I could see a drop in his spirits with each day that passed until one morning my mom went out front and noticed one of the neighborhood cats looking up a tree in the front yard and when she said something the cat ran off but mom thought it was odd that it was so intent at that tree so she went to investigate and found a young kitten just a few months old up in this tree. She coaxed it down and took it right inside to see dad. Now my parents are are definetly more dog people than cat people but really they are just animal people. Well at first they thought my aunt would just keep this kitten since she is definetly a cat person but that morning that sweet kitty jumped up into my dads lap and snuggled and slept and there was no going back. And now they are buddies. Dad says it easier for him to relax when the kitty snuggles with him and he just feel better having her there. And I know in my heart that God sent that sweet kitty to us. He knew exactly what my dad needed to lift his spirits and he put it right at our door. I think that is all i can put to words for tonight but I think i have more post in me as i work through this journey. Maybe somewhere along the way it'll help someone else.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Sometimes you just gotta vent

Sometimes we just need to vent. Even if what we vent about is directly related to a decision we make and continue to make everyday… does that mean that we have to be 100% happy all the time. NO! Sometimes we have bad days, sometimes we are tired, sometimes we just need a little space and time to ourselves, and yes sometimes we just need to vent! This came to my attention this weekend when some well meaning family members tried to remind me that my child would not be small for long and that there will come a day when I look back and wish she was still at my feet constantly needing or wanting my attention. And this I know is true and one day I’m sure I will look back and say well they were right I wish she was still that little baby girl who needed me for everything but right now in this moment I feel like I need a break and I don’t feel like I should feel bad about that. I am with my daughter 24/7. I can count the number of times I have left her for more than just a run to the grocery store or just a lunch date with a friend while she was home with her daddy. TWICE!! I have left my child overnight twice…. And probably only 4 or 5 others times for a few hours so my husband and I could have a date night. Other than that I am with that precious little girl. Even if part of that time is when she is sleeping I am still at the ready for when she needs me at all times. And yes I chose to stay at home with her and I continue to choose that everyday and I don’t regret that decision not even for a moment. But does that mean that I am not entitled to a bad day… to wanting some time away. Now I have to give credit to my hubby because he is amazing and he knows when I need to just step away and have some time to myself even if most of the time that is just me in our bedroom watching a movie and just being alone for a bit but sometimes I need it. There are moments when its been a long week that I feel like I’m suffocating. My daughter needs me, my husband needs me, my pets need me, my family needs me, my friends need me, my house needs me…. It just all feels so very suffocating sometimes and I know that is because many time I choose to not give myself some time. I choose to not get a babysitter very often, I choose to take my child with me everywhere I go instead of asking for help. Yes I know that I make these decisions but sometimes I just need to vent. Sometimes I just need to say “UGH she is driving me crazy!!” Does that make me a bad mother?? Does that make me a horrible person? Does that mean I love my daughter less than the picture perfect mom who never needs a moment away (does that person exsist cause if they do… THEY ARE LYING)? I don’t think it does. I don’t think it makes me those things I think it simply means that I am human!! I am a stay at home mom with a husband who is in school to get a masters degree and my daughter is 2 and into everything and needing of all attention in the word. This is my life and I LOVE IT!!!! But as much as I love my life in the grand scheme of things that does not mean I love every single second of every single day. Am I thankful for it? YES! Every single moment. Because it molds me and it shapes me and changes me for the better. It makes me stretch and grow in ways that I never knew I could. Motherhood does that to you… hell Parenthood does that to you because lets face it Fathers do a lot of changing and growing when that baby comes into the world to. So yes I am thankful for every moment of my life no matter what is going on or how frustrated I am or how suffocated I feel. And I love my overall life. But somedays I just gotta vent and let it out and know that I am not in this struggle alone. And if you are reading and you know exactly what I’m feeling… You’re not alone either!!! 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The Why

So this last week was Scentsy's Annual Family Reunion. I was unable to attend this year as much as I would have liked to but I have had the opporutunity to hear about it from several people and just that alone has recharged me for my business. August 1st I will celebrate 1 year with the Scentsy Family! I am proud to say that but I also look back on the last year and realize that there is so much more I could have done to build this business and so now I'm making a commitment to let go of what I could have done and move on to what I can do and work my business the way I know I can and should from this point forward. My Superstar director and several of our leadership are always talking about getting to the root of what you Why is or what your recruits Why is because that is the heart of the business and that is what is going to be the very best motivator. So tonight after a day filled with working my business and training myself to better work my business I decided that to keep the momentum I want and to get to the goals that I have set for myself I need to know exactly why my Why is and keep that in my mind as I go about working this business.
I broke my Why down into 4 parts

  • Family
  • Career
  • Giving
  • Community
Family : You can ask almost anybody why they do what they do no matter what kind of job it is and while yes some will do you its because its their passion and they love it most will tell you its because of their Family. Its a way that they give their Family the things that they need and want. And I am no different. I did a direct sales business a few years back and it did not go well but the whole reason behind that business was so that one day I could have children and stay at home with them. Well before I started Scentsy I was already living that dream. I had my beautiful daughter and I was staying home with her and loving it but money was tight and there were sacarafices being made because I chose to stay at home with our daughter. Scentsy gives me the opportunity to do extra things and gain some of those things that we have sacraficed back and I'm still able to stay at home with my daughter! Which is really what I wanted to begin with. But i want to be able to give her more I want to be able to give her every opporunity to do the things that she loves and Scentsy gives me that chance.
Career : Not to say that being a stay at home mom is not something to be proud of I am very proud to be a SAHM and I wouldn't change it for the world. However there are moments when I think back on the 4 1/2 years I spent in college (of which I'm still paying for) and wonder what I have to show for it. And then I think about my children when they are older and how they will view me and if I am giving them something to strive for and be proud of or am I just mom. I love being Mom dont get me wrong but I want... no I need to be more than that. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be a stay at home mom until I met and fell in love with my husband but that doesn't change my driven, goal oriented, competitive nature. Scentsy gives me an outlet so that I can have the best of both worlds. A Career to work and strive for and the ability to be a stay at home mom. And I need both! 
Giving : Generosity has always been something that I like to think of myself as being although for much of my life I have had very extra to give. But I have always tried to be generous with my time and my love and with things as much as finances would allow. But I would like to be able to give more freely. I want to think about giving to mission work and charities and all of those things without having the pang of doubt or the thought of oh well maybe one day. And with Scentsy I have that opportunity. 
Community : I am by no means a social butterfly. I am not someone who strikes up a conversations with anyone I meet and quite frankly I often feel like people see me as unapproachable. I guess I just dont have a very friendly demeanor which I'm just going through the motions of my day. But this is something I am trying to work on to change. But making friends for me is not easy I'm the type of person that most of the friends I have now were people I met made an instance connection with and that was that not another thought about it we are friends. But now that I'm older and not in school and not in a job the opportunities to make instant friends are few and far between and while I have my family which I love sometimes life gets a little lonely. But with Scentsy I have opportunities to make new friends to build new relationships and to flourish in a community that is supportive and uplifting and genuine! 

That is my Why and I am committing to remember it and work for it day in and day out. I feel like as I am sitting here writing this that I am standing in front of a door that is just waiting for me to open in and step into the future that is waiting. I'm ready to step in with both feet and see where this journey takes me!!! 

Do you have a Why? Do you know what is and how you can get to it? 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

When nothing feels like enough

We all dream about the day when life will be easier. When I make this amount of money, or have this house, or get married, or whatever the one aspiration is that you think will make life complete and easy and perfect. But the truth is even when we reach that moment it just changes. There is a new aspiration or a snag in the plan that makes something just not enough and you once again feel like you just wish you could get to that one thing so life can be good. I've decided its just human condition to always want more and its not always a bad thing. We should always be working towards our goals and striving to make better for ourselves and generations to come but we need to be content in what we have in the meantime as well. Nothing will ever make life perfect there is always something around the corner to mess something up but you work through it and get over that hump and move on to the next goal or obstacle which ever comes first.
I say all this because I feel like I am in one of those moments when nothing feels like enough and life will be better when... and I hate it! I dont want to be that person who is always wanting more but it seems I am human and I am that person. Not every day of course most days I am content with my life and even more so very happy with it because I know that I am blessed beyond description. But then we hit that snag and I hit a slump and nothing feels like enough. This week has felt like one snag after another and the stress is overwhelming. And then I have this bad tendency when I get into these slumps to overanalyze and critic every little section of my life and its just a slippery slope. Am I a good enough mother? Am I a good enough wife? Why dont I enjoy cleaning house? Why did I go to school for 4 years for a meaningless degree? Would I be happier working? Why can't I just loose the weight? Do I really want more children? Can I really make a career with Scentsy? The list of questions really just goes on and on and on. Ive been told more then once in my life that I second guess myself too much and I dont give myself enough credit and I know that this is true but I have yet to find a way to stop it from happening. Even when I dont indulge these second guesses they still pop up in the back of my mind. It just the way I am wired.
I hope I am not the only one that feels this way. I am pretty sure that I am not and as odd as it sounds I find that comforting. I dont want to be the only one, I dont want to be alone in this battle. And this I remember that even if I am the only one that I am never alone in this battle. God gives me every blessing and weapon and tool that I need to overcome this day and move on to the next. He can take ever ounce of stress and doubt and second guess away from me if I just stop and give it all to him. So today this is what I will try to do and I hope those of you who read this who feel the same way will do the same. Its a daily battle and its a constant struggle but God will take it all away if we let him. It may not be instant but his plan is bigger than any of ours and it is perfect.

This may seem completely random and our of left field since this blog A) hasnt been written on in months. and B) is usually just about me and the random happenings of my little family. But today I needed to just write. Get things out of my head and onto the screen. I hope it makes sense and is not a big jumbled mess but if it is thats ok because it was what I needed whether it makes sense to anyone else or not.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

A lifelong struggle

Its been a while since I've written on this blog and honestly I've probably written 10 different entries or at least partial ones and then decided they weren't finishing. But I've had an entry in the back of my mind for a while now and decided it was time to put my thoughts onto the screen. This post is going to be pretty personal and straight from my heart which I am not very good at expressing so we will see how this goes.
I have struggled with self image issues as long as I can possibly remember and I have struggled with my weight for the same length of time. Although my mom tells me that I wasn't overweight as a child, there isn't really a time that I remember where I wasn't... or at least I didn't ever feel like I wasn't. Now this is for a number of reasons some of which are my own personal demons and some from certain family members that were not encouraging in the least and in fact were the exact opposite. So for as long as I can remember I have never truly felt good about myself. I would have a day here or there where I felt pretty but there was always something that I didnt like and most of the time that was to do with my weight. But this dislike with my body in itself was never enough to give me the motivation to do something about it. I tired this diet or that diet and I would exercise but really it would last a couple weeks max and then I would give up cause I didn't see results fast enough and then I would just feel sorry for myself. Its an evil cycle really. Well now here I am 26 years old a wife and a mother and still struggling with these same demons. But now it not only affects me and how I feel but it has crept its way into affecting my marriage and my family and this has become my last straw. So The weekend after Christmas I decided it was time to make a major change. But this time its just not for me its for my family and especially for my daughter. I know that more than likely at some point in her life she will struggle with self image issues, I think its something that all girls go through at some point. But I do not want it to be a constant struggle in her life like it has mine. And I know that she is only going to learn by example. I want her to see us eating healthy and exercising and taking care of ourselves so that she learns to do it too.
So we returned from our christmas in Nebraska on the friday after christmas and that next day I started my new diet and exercise routine. Now I learned a long time ago that counting calories doesn't work for me. Its tedious and time consuming and I just get frustrated and quit. So instead I just make wise choices. I know about how much I should eat and I make better choices about what I am eating. I also cut out soda but also from past experiences I've learned that cutting it out completely makes me a little crazy so I allow myself I splurge every few weeks to keep my sanity. I am a huge believer in moderation and that is what I am a practicing. I also have an awesome husband that is right on board with this new change in our lives and is so supportive! I couldn't do it without him! And on top of the big diet change I am in the gym 3 to 4 times a week and working hard! I also have started a product called Plexus slim to help me curve my cravings and appetite and just jumpstart things for me so I dont discouraged and it has worked wonderfully!
So here I am about 6 weeks later and I am down 13 lbs and for the first time in a very long I am starting to feel good about myself. I still have a LONG way to go because my overall goal is to loose 100lbs from my heaviest weight but I am taking it one day at a time and setting myself little goals along the way so I can celebrate my success and not be overwhelmed. And not only am I doing all of this but now I have started to take some time for myself every morning before my daughter wakes up. And this is a big step for me as well. For months now I have rolled out of bed when I hear her wake up and we go right into our routine. Most days we didn't get out of our Pajamas. I didn't feel good about myself and getting dressed was torturous most days because nothing fit like it should and I looked in the mirror and just wanted to cry because I only a fat ugly girl so I avoided it most days. But now my clothes fit like they should and some are even getting big! And I dont mind getting dressed and looking in the mirror so I wake up and do a few little exercises and I take the time to wash my face and get dressed and make myself presentable. I take the time for me and it makes my day that much better. I am more productive, I am more energetic, and I am just in general happier! I have never been one to really put much effort into my appearance and really its still not a ton but its more about just in general taking care of me and knowing that its ok and I'm worth it.
I am still fighting my own demons everyday when it comes to this life long struggle but ever day I am winning the battle a little more and i see the finish line getting a little closer.
I write this post not only because it just feels good to express myself about this more than I really ever have but also because I know there are lots of women that know exactly how I feel and are in the same struggle. So just maybe this will be encouraging to someone so that they can make a change and realize they are worth it to.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Past, Today and Tomorrow

So tonight I went to a women's event at my church and it was amazing!! I will be completely honest in the fact that I was very much thinking about not going after my best friend told me she was going to a different campus for the event but I made myself go because I am trying to break out of my comfort zone and build new relationships with people and I really wanted to be in a massive worship experience like I knew it was going to be. Those were my favorite events when I was in youth group because it wasn't a normal church service, people aren't there because they feel obligated or they are checking their box for the week they are there because they want to be and they want to worship with every ounce of their soul and I just really wanted to be a part of that because I haven't been for a very long time. And I can say that tonight did not disappoint! I got nervous the moment I saw the number of women standing in the lobby waiting to get to their seats but I found a few familiar faces and I felt better. And the worship was amazing... it brought tears to my eyes... which worship often does. There is something about singing about the wonderful things that God has done for us and about our freedom in the lord that just always seems to bring me to tears. And then Kristine Cain spoke and it was AMAZING! I had never heard her before but now I want to read her book and I want to see her again because she was awesome! She was funny and engaging and real and transparent and just so truthful and passionate and it was just amazing. And of course as it usually goes when you attend a service like this you feel in one way or another that the speaker is speaking directly to you and today was no different. She spoke about how we let our pasts keep us from our tomorrows and gods plan for our lives. Hearing her talk about her story and her past and how much she has been through but still she was able to truly put her past behind her so that she can move on with her tomorrow and God's plan for her life. I have not dealt with half as much stuff as this woman has but I still carrying pieces of my past around with me everyday. I carry guilt and shame of my past sins with me everyday and I let it hold me back from my tomorrow. This all hit home with me from the beginning but when she started talking about if not for ourselves but for our children or future children it really hit me like a ton of bricks! I have a daughter that is going to be looking to me for example on how to get through struggles and sin and If I dont show her how to move on from that knowing and trusting that God has truly forgiven it all then I am hindering her tomorrow and god's plan for her life! Over and Over again in the last couple of weeks I have heard things that have made me pray for God to come and make a big change in my life and tonight was no different. I am on the edge of something amazing and I know that it is all in God's plan but I have to do some work too. And now I know I have to really start working on me and letting Go of my past to move on to my tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Parenting is Hard!

Ya know sometimes you just feel like you are failing as a parent... ok well maybe you don't feel that way but sometimes I sure do! Like today for instance when no matter how long and hard I tried I could not get my child to go to sleep for a nap! I dont know what it is but for me she just doesn't like to do it and heaven forbid I just put her in her bed so she can put herself to sleep. And please I really dont want to hear about how they have to learn and you need to let them cry it out or any of that other stuff because trust me I HAVE TRIED!! My child is just that MY child and just like her momma if she doesn't want to do something she's not going to do it! Unforunately my husband doesn't have a stubborn bone in his body so there is really no one else to blame but me and my entire side of the family. So after trying to put to sleep for a good half hour and then letting her cry it out for a good 20 minutes and then trying again to put her to sleep and once again letting her cry I finally gave up and just let her be up until her daddy came home a few minutes later and put her to bed with little to no problem... Do you know how frustrating that is?!?!?! He is the master at putting her to sleep and it makes me feel like a failure because I can try every trick in the book with no success and then he comes home and takes like five minutes and she's out! Lets see its tuesday and this has already happened twice this week... NOT OK!  But on top of her just fighting nap tonight she was not having going to bed. She'd fall asleep until you put her down and then she'd scream. Blaine being the trooper that he is tried and tried but finally asked for back up because we all have a breaking point. So we gave her some medicine thinking her teeth may be bothering her and then she had some mommy cuddle time and then decided she was gonna try to play... HA I dont think so... so daddy went back to putting her to bed and finally after two hours of struggling with this child she is in her bed asleep! I see all these parents that just put their child to bed and VIOLA they go to sleep... and the fact that I can't do it makes me feel like a failure! I've tried, from the get go we tried, she has never been and I'm starting to believe never will be a just lay down and go to sleep child. Maybe when she's 20! LOL!! And this is really just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all the hardships of parenting. I mean it starts before they even born and you have to decide on how to give birth, then you have to decide to breastfeed or not and for how long, then when to start solid food and how to start solid food and what toys to buy, daycare or no daycare, and it goes on and on and on and we haven't even made it to the one year mark yet! I already have days where I feel like a failure because I can't put my child to sleep I dont even wanna know how I'm gonna feel when I make the WRONG decision about something to do with my child! Its nerve wrecking and scary and hard!! But it is all so worth it! Just that one smile and hug makes all of it worth it. The way her eyes light up and she laughs when she sees me for the first time in the morning or when I pick her up from a sitter after being away from her. The way sometimes only I can comfort her because I am mommy! It makes all the worry, stress, failing feeling. It makes it all worth it and so much more!!