A lifelong struggle

Its been a while since I've written on this blog and honestly I've probably written 10 different entries or at least partial ones and then decided they weren't finishing. But I've had an entry in the back of my mind for a while now and decided it was time to put my thoughts onto the screen. This post is going to be pretty personal and straight from my heart which I am not very good at expressing so we will see how this goes.
I have struggled with self image issues as long as I can possibly remember and I have struggled with my weight for the same length of time. Although my mom tells me that I wasn't overweight as a child, there isn't really a time that I remember where I wasn't... or at least I didn't ever feel like I wasn't. Now this is for a number of reasons some of which are my own personal demons and some from certain family members that were not encouraging in the least and in fact were the exact opposite. So for as long as I can remember I have never truly felt good about myself. I would have a day here or there where I felt pretty but there was always something that I didnt like and most of the time that was to do with my weight. But this dislike with my body in itself was never enough to give me the motivation to do something about it. I tired this diet or that diet and I would exercise but really it would last a couple weeks max and then I would give up cause I didn't see results fast enough and then I would just feel sorry for myself. Its an evil cycle really. Well now here I am 26 years old a wife and a mother and still struggling with these same demons. But now it not only affects me and how I feel but it has crept its way into affecting my marriage and my family and this has become my last straw. So The weekend after Christmas I decided it was time to make a major change. But this time its just not for me its for my family and especially for my daughter. I know that more than likely at some point in her life she will struggle with self image issues, I think its something that all girls go through at some point. But I do not want it to be a constant struggle in her life like it has mine. And I know that she is only going to learn by example. I want her to see us eating healthy and exercising and taking care of ourselves so that she learns to do it too.
So we returned from our christmas in Nebraska on the friday after christmas and that next day I started my new diet and exercise routine. Now I learned a long time ago that counting calories doesn't work for me. Its tedious and time consuming and I just get frustrated and quit. So instead I just make wise choices. I know about how much I should eat and I make better choices about what I am eating. I also cut out soda but also from past experiences I've learned that cutting it out completely makes me a little crazy so I allow myself I splurge every few weeks to keep my sanity. I am a huge believer in moderation and that is what I am a practicing. I also have an awesome husband that is right on board with this new change in our lives and is so supportive! I couldn't do it without him! And on top of the big diet change I am in the gym 3 to 4 times a week and working hard! I also have started a product called Plexus slim to help me curve my cravings and appetite and just jumpstart things for me so I dont discouraged and it has worked wonderfully!
So here I am about 6 weeks later and I am down 13 lbs and for the first time in a very long I am starting to feel good about myself. I still have a LONG way to go because my overall goal is to loose 100lbs from my heaviest weight but I am taking it one day at a time and setting myself little goals along the way so I can celebrate my success and not be overwhelmed. And not only am I doing all of this but now I have started to take some time for myself every morning before my daughter wakes up. And this is a big step for me as well. For months now I have rolled out of bed when I hear her wake up and we go right into our routine. Most days we didn't get out of our Pajamas. I didn't feel good about myself and getting dressed was torturous most days because nothing fit like it should and I looked in the mirror and just wanted to cry because I only a fat ugly girl so I avoided it most days. But now my clothes fit like they should and some are even getting big! And I dont mind getting dressed and looking in the mirror so I wake up and do a few little exercises and I take the time to wash my face and get dressed and make myself presentable. I take the time for me and it makes my day that much better. I am more productive, I am more energetic, and I am just in general happier! I have never been one to really put much effort into my appearance and really its still not a ton but its more about just in general taking care of me and knowing that its ok and I'm worth it.
I am still fighting my own demons everyday when it comes to this life long struggle but ever day I am winning the battle a little more and i see the finish line getting a little closer.
I write this post not only because it just feels good to express myself about this more than I really ever have but also because I know there are lots of women that know exactly how I feel and are in the same struggle. So just maybe this will be encouraging to someone so that they can make a change and realize they are worth it to.