Past, Today and Tomorrow

So tonight I went to a women's event at my church and it was amazing!! I will be completely honest in the fact that I was very much thinking about not going after my best friend told me she was going to a different campus for the event but I made myself go because I am trying to break out of my comfort zone and build new relationships with people and I really wanted to be in a massive worship experience like I knew it was going to be. Those were my favorite events when I was in youth group because it wasn't a normal church service, people aren't there because they feel obligated or they are checking their box for the week they are there because they want to be and they want to worship with every ounce of their soul and I just really wanted to be a part of that because I haven't been for a very long time. And I can say that tonight did not disappoint! I got nervous the moment I saw the number of women standing in the lobby waiting to get to their seats but I found a few familiar faces and I felt better. And the worship was amazing... it brought tears to my eyes... which worship often does. There is something about singing about the wonderful things that God has done for us and about our freedom in the lord that just always seems to bring me to tears. And then Kristine Cain spoke and it was AMAZING! I had never heard her before but now I want to read her book and I want to see her again because she was awesome! She was funny and engaging and real and transparent and just so truthful and passionate and it was just amazing. And of course as it usually goes when you attend a service like this you feel in one way or another that the speaker is speaking directly to you and today was no different. She spoke about how we let our pasts keep us from our tomorrows and gods plan for our lives. Hearing her talk about her story and her past and how much she has been through but still she was able to truly put her past behind her so that she can move on with her tomorrow and God's plan for her life. I have not dealt with half as much stuff as this woman has but I still carrying pieces of my past around with me everyday. I carry guilt and shame of my past sins with me everyday and I let it hold me back from my tomorrow. This all hit home with me from the beginning but when she started talking about if not for ourselves but for our children or future children it really hit me like a ton of bricks! I have a daughter that is going to be looking to me for example on how to get through struggles and sin and If I dont show her how to move on from that knowing and trusting that God has truly forgiven it all then I am hindering her tomorrow and god's plan for her life! Over and Over again in the last couple of weeks I have heard things that have made me pray for God to come and make a big change in my life and tonight was no different. I am on the edge of something amazing and I know that it is all in God's plan but I have to do some work too. And now I know I have to really start working on me and letting Go of my past to move on to my tomorrow.

Parenting is Hard!

Ya know sometimes you just feel like you are failing as a parent... ok well maybe you don't feel that way but sometimes I sure do! Like today for instance when no matter how long and hard I tried I could not get my child to go to sleep for a nap! I dont know what it is but for me she just doesn't like to do it and heaven forbid I just put her in her bed so she can put herself to sleep. And please I really dont want to hear about how they have to learn and you need to let them cry it out or any of that other stuff because trust me I HAVE TRIED!! My child is just that MY child and just like her momma if she doesn't want to do something she's not going to do it! Unforunately my husband doesn't have a stubborn bone in his body so there is really no one else to blame but me and my entire side of the family. So after trying to put to sleep for a good half hour and then letting her cry it out for a good 20 minutes and then trying again to put her to sleep and once again letting her cry I finally gave up and just let her be up until her daddy came home a few minutes later and put her to bed with little to no problem... Do you know how frustrating that is?!?!?! He is the master at putting her to sleep and it makes me feel like a failure because I can try every trick in the book with no success and then he comes home and takes like five minutes and she's out! Lets see its tuesday and this has already happened twice this week... NOT OK!  But on top of her just fighting nap tonight she was not having going to bed. She'd fall asleep until you put her down and then she'd scream. Blaine being the trooper that he is tried and tried but finally asked for back up because we all have a breaking point. So we gave her some medicine thinking her teeth may be bothering her and then she had some mommy cuddle time and then decided she was gonna try to play... HA I dont think so... so daddy went back to putting her to bed and finally after two hours of struggling with this child she is in her bed asleep! I see all these parents that just put their child to bed and VIOLA they go to sleep... and the fact that I can't do it makes me feel like a failure! I've tried, from the get go we tried, she has never been and I'm starting to believe never will be a just lay down and go to sleep child. Maybe when she's 20! LOL!! And this is really just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all the hardships of parenting. I mean it starts before they even born and you have to decide on how to give birth, then you have to decide to breastfeed or not and for how long, then when to start solid food and how to start solid food and what toys to buy, daycare or no daycare, and it goes on and on and on and we haven't even made it to the one year mark yet! I already have days where I feel like a failure because I can't put my child to sleep I dont even wanna know how I'm gonna feel when I make the WRONG decision about something to do with my child! Its nerve wrecking and scary and hard!! But it is all so worth it! Just that one smile and hug makes all of it worth it. The way her eyes light up and she laughs when she sees me for the first time in the morning or when I pick her up from a sitter after being away from her. The way sometimes only I can comfort her because I am mommy! It makes all the worry, stress, failing feeling. It makes it all worth it and so much more!!